Murderer At Large

October 5, 2012

I’ve always thought of myself as a peace-loving individual.  Although I thrive in an atmosphere of serenity and harmony I’m not the type of person to advocate peace at any price.  As much as I dislike violence and give it a wide berth, I’m not afraid to take a stand on important issues.  And that’s why I was so shocked when someone accused me of being a murderer.

He softened the accusation somewhat by saying that I murder my electronic equipment.  I know that I don’t fare very well with any piece of equipment that is smarter than I am but, murderer??  It’s not a description I would ever have applied to myself.

To make matters worse he told me that I have all these pieces of sophisticated equipment that I don’t know how to use and then I break everything.

Well, I don’t deliberately break these things.  They just happen.

Like the time I was trying to change the cartridge in my printer and the metal piece just broke off in my hand.  Well, of course it did; it was so thin and fragile and so hard to pull out of that tiny space.  I’m pretty sure that lots of other people would have had to replace their printer, too.

And the time I was recording a song on an audio tape and when I went to rewind the tape on high speed, the tape stretched and got caught up inside the recorder and the recorder had to be replaced.  Well, the tape was so thin, of course it stretched and snapped and got stuck inside the recorder.  Wouldn’t that happen to anyone?

Last year, the electrical wires in the house blew out.  I don’t think I was responsible for that but the electrician told me that the circuit breaker was overloaded because I used a room air conditioner in addition to the central unit.  He had to rewire something, but that couldn’t have been my fault because no one told me that when one thing was being used, I shouldn’t use the other thing at the same time.

And yesterday.  I don’t know how this happened as I’ve never seen it happen before but a couple of my electrical outlets stopped working.  How does an outlet suddenly stop working?  So, once again I had to call an electrician.  I’m embarrassed to say that he came in, asked which outlets weren’t working and then flicked a switch on them and they started to work.  Since when do outlets come with switches?

My phones are another story.  The repairmen are here so often, I might have to start charging them rent.  No one has been able to figure out why there is so much static on the line and why there are such loud echoes.  They told me it was the sophisticated circuitry in the phones and that I needed to find some of the old-fashioned phones that were made before the newer models.  Do you know how that feels to have to throw out new phones to get rid of the static?

Let’s not even talk about computers.  I can’t seem to get them to work without incident.  This latest occurrence involved a virus and kept me off the internet for a couple of weeks.

When I turned on the computer a screen came down and told me that I had 38 viruses and it asked me if I wanted to fix them.  Of course I said yes.  Then another screen came down and said that it would cost $99 to repair it and asked me if I wanted it to be repaired.  I had a feeling it was a virus so I turned my computer off and called my technician.

In the midst of all this, I couldn’t get on the internet, the music that was being uploaded somewhere in the ethers (don’t ask me for an explanation of where my music is sitting because I don’t understand it), suddenly stopped uploading.  My new computer has  developed all sorts of glitches, and I am seriously considering  living up to my new name of murderer.

At the moment, I am thinking about taking a large hammer to it or throwing it from a great height.  I wonder what felony I would be charged with for the murder of a computer.  It’s very tempting even if I don’t look good in orange.

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