When I was growing up, and all through my adulthood, mattresses were the same thickness. When you bought your bed linen, you didn’t have to go home to measure the depth of your mattress before you made your purchases. And so I didn’t.
I’d like to think of this as my learning curve except that I don’t think I learned a darn thing except maybe that I should never buy sheets again or never replace my mattress.
Everyone on the planet knew that my mattress had gotten lumpy after a few years and I was hesitant to replace it because it meant that I had to try out every mattress in the country and then find a store that lets you return it if it’s uncomfortable.
And then someone told me that she had gotten something that makes the lumpiest mattress comfortable. It was called a memory foam mattress pillow topper.
The saleslady said she was sorry they didn’t have any pillow toppers that I could lie down on to try but she walked me over to the memory foam samples they had on display. Together, we mashed down on them as hard as we could to see if the memory foam was smashable. Some of them were but we found one that was three inches thick, instead of the usual two inches to two and a half inches thick.
Then she suggested that I buy some sheets because she was sure the ones I had weren’t deep enough and she made the most outrageous comment I had ever heard when shopping for a mattress. She told me that I might want a little step stool to get in and out of bed because she didn’t want me to fall out. Fall out of bed?, I thought smugly. Never. I’ve been getting in and out of bed all my life.
She was right. By the time the memory foam goes on top of the mattress and the mattress pad goes on top of the memory foam, and the sateen sheet goes over the mattress, the memory foam, the mattress pad, and the sheet, the bed is so high, I can only back up onto it on my toes and hoist myself up on it backwards. And with the sateen sheets, I don’t climb out of bed; I slide out of bed. The Princess and the Pea has nothing on me.
The memory foam resolved the lumpy mattress problem but the sateen sheets should come with a guard rail.